dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
