I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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