I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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