I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
