Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
