I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
sex in a hospital.. check
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
