I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
