I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
