Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
