I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
