Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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