fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
