bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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