Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
