That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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