ya dads aren't the best wingmen
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
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