If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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