His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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