even my farts smell like vagina
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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