it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
