If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
