You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
