my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
