At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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