if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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