omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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