i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
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