Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
