I'm lost and stupid without you.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
