did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
