just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
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