I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
