I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
