my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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