I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
