mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
