Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Sorry my hands just texted you
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
