i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
