the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
i think my cat just said my name.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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