I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Of course I have a pirate flag
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
