Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
two words...techno handjob
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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