I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
