I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
