My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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