My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
