OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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