its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
