the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
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Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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