Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
