Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
