We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
