Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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