just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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