Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
