Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
