I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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