someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
